The Relationship Between Tens And Fours
by Red Witch
Summary: Lana and Pam have a heart to heart talk about the men in their lives.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off crying somewhere. Just wanted to do a little bonding fic between Lana and Pam. This is what I got.**

 **The Relationship Between Tens and Fours **

Lana walked into the break room and saw Pam. "Is there any particular reason why Krieger isn't wearing pants?"

Pam gave Lana a look. "Lana, it's **Krieger**. Does he **ever** have any particular reason to do **anything** he does?"

"Good point," Lana admitted. "Just got back from the hospital. Mallory is staying there for the rest of the day. I figured at least one of us should be here."

"To keep an eye on the exciting **nothing** going on?" Pam quipped as she got up from her chair.

"I know," Lana said. "So how are you today?"

"Oh just living the dream," Pam rolled her eyes. "You know how it is. How's Archer?"

"The same," Lana sighed. "On the plus side his latest venereal disease flare up is over. His cholesterol levels are way down. And that fracture in his foot is almost completely healed. Or it will be in a few weeks."

"How did his foot get fractured?" Pam asked as she pulled out a beer from the refrigerator.

"The same way he got the concussion," Lana explained as she got a soda from a nearby machine.

"Oh right," Pam nodded. "How's his liver doing?"

"Much better," Lana said as she began to drink her soda. "This is probably the longest break Archer has ever had from alcohol since…I don't know. Maybe his teens?"

"Pre-teens knowing him," Pam said. "Speaking of which you really think it's a good idea to drink that soda? Sugar and stuff?"

"I need a sugar and caffeine fix," Lana said as she sat down. "And you're drinking beer!"

"Yeah but I'm not driving," Pam shrugged as she sat down at the table.

Lana sighed as she took a drink from her soda. They sat in silence for a moment.

"It's okay to cry you know?" Pam told her.

"I don't want to cry," Lana said. "I have cried and I'm **tired** of it. I'm tired of all these stupid games Archer and I play. I'm tired of always fighting and never being sure if I can trust him or not. I'm just so angry and tired and…All I want is for Archer to wake up so I can kill him. Does that make any sense?"

"With the relationship you two have?" Pam snorted. "It makes perfect sense."

"Why is it every time Archer and I try to make it work things always go to hell?" Lana groaned as she took a drink.

"To be fair," Pam pointed out as she took a drink. "Archer's vagina seeking dick doesn't exactly help."

"I can't believe I was so stupid…" Lana groaned. "Why the hell did I suggest that stupid break? I actually thought Archer would come crawling back to me and…AAGGGH! I'm such a damn idiot."

"To be fair, it wasn't that bad an idea to try and bang Ellis Crane," Pam admitted. "Too bad his ex is a crazy murdering bitch."

"I thought she was just some old actress!"

"Again," Pam said. "Crazy murdering bitch. You know the saying. Scratch a diva you get an assassin. Just didn't know it was literally true."

"I just feel so lost and empty," Lana sighed.

"Me too," Pam admitted. "But Archer does love you Lana. Hell he got himself shot to save you."

"Wouldn't have happened if he hadn't screwed me over to the cops as a joke in the first place!"

"Good point," Pam sighed.

"Why do we do it Pam?" Lana asked. "Why do we keep going back to that narcissistic asshole that's more trouble than a bag full of drunken cats at a dog show?"

"Come on Lana," Pam told her. "Deep down Archer's not that bad a guy you know?"

"Pam…" Lana gave her a look. "It's _Archer._ Remember?"

"Okay fine," Pam said. "Sometimes Archer is the world's biggest asshole. But he's the kind of asshole you want to have your back. Phrasing."

"I have to admit," Lana said. "When it comes to a fight…There's no one else I'd trust more."

"Doesn't hurt that he's got looks that Adonis would literally wet himself with envy just looking at him," Pam added. "And damn that voice of his is sexy."

"You know his dick actually got **bigger?** " Lana said. "And he got better in bed."

"Well he's had a lot of practice," Pam snorted. "I may have taught him a few moves."

"I've noticed," Lana said. "Damn it Archer. Why does he have to be so reckless? And why do I keep going back to him? He's the kind of guy I thought I'd never be hung up on and yet…"

"You tried to change your patterns with Cyril," Pam pointed out. "Didn't work did it?"

"No," Lana groaned. "I hate to admit it but Cyril is the type of guy I was never a hundred percent attracted to anyway. Or at least he was before he became a lying cheating bastard. Now I'm even **less** attracted to him."

"I'm guessing the ten percent you were attracted to had something to do with his enormous dong?"

"Didn't hurt," Lana shrugged. "At first I went with Cyril just to tick off Archer. Well that and the sex was pretty damn good."

"I'll give Cyril this," Pam admitted. "He takes direction a lot better than Archer ever did."

"Damn right," Lana admitted. "Some of the best sex I ever had was with Cyril."

"Me too," Pam nodded. "I mean he may not be a perfect ten in the looks department. But when it comes to performance he really sticks the landing every time."

"Just wish he didn't pick up Archer's habit of being a cheating bastard."

"Let's get real Lana," Pam said. "A lot of that had to do with Cyril's insecurity about his relationship with you. And be honest. He wasn't exactly that far off the mark now was he?"

"What you're on _Cyril's side_?" Lana barked.

"I'm just being **honest!"** Pam snapped. "Which is what **you** should have been with Cyril! You know he wanted to marry you? Even picked out a diamond and everything!"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah it was the size of a pebble and you could only see it with a microscope but…" Pam admitted. "It still cost two month's salary."

"You're joking?"

"Nope," Pam shook her head. "Remember the strike all the drones organized? That's how it started because Cyril realized that his take home pay was shit."

" **That's** how the whole mess started?" Lana was stunned.

"Yup," Pam nodded. "That's the diamond he used to power up Bilbo's machine to call in an evac to get you and Archer's asses out of that gunfight. He sacrificed two months' salary to save your life. And Archer's which is just irony."

"I didn't know that," Lana realized.

"Of course, the other part was Cheryl getting him drunk and drugged up," Pam added. "And then blackmailing him every chance she got. Until she got bored and ran off with Krieger."

"What about Scatter Brained Jane?"

"Damn it Lana! **Everybody** did Scatter Brained Jane!" Pam snapped. "I did! Archer did! Krieger did! Krieger's interns did! Brett did! Even **Bilbo** did her at one point! It wasn't exactly hard work to get her to say yes!"

"That's true," Lana groaned. "But that doesn't explain that French whore that I caught Cyril balls deep in. And who knows who else he slept with?"

"Do you really want to know?" Pam asked.

"Not really," Lana groaned. "It actually hurt more that Cyril cheated on me than when Archer did. Why is that? It's not like I cared about him…That much."

"Because you thought you were the ten in the relationship and Cyril was just the four," Pam said.

"What?"

"When one partner in a relationship is better looking than the other one, that partner considers themselves the ten!" Pam said. "The unattainable one. The one that can get anyone he or she wants and that the other partner…The four…is lucky just to **be** in that relationship. The fact that the four cheated on the ten with other tens…Or in Scatter Brain Jane's case a six…Upsets the order of things."

"Seriously?" Lana blinked. "Oh my god that's **exactly** what happened."

"Yeah I've had more than a few tens in my day," Pam told her. "In Cheryl's case, more like a Section 8."

"That's a given," Lana sighed.

"And Cyril wasn't exactly the most stable person to begin with," Pam pointed out. "He wanted you because he thought it would fill some kind of hole in himself and prove himself to his bastard of a father."

"Ironically…" Lana groaned. " **Those** are the talks with him I remember!"

"Let's face it," Pam said. "Your relationship with Cyril was a toxic one on **both ends** and was doomed to failure from day one. The only thing that surprises me is that Cyril had the balls to cheat on you first."

"Yeah right," Lana definitely wasn't going to mention the infamous Scorpio incident. "He cheated on me first."

"That was the **real problem** between you and Archer," Pam said. "You both had too much damn pride. You thought that Archer should be only interested in you and your ego couldn't handle it. Archer thought the world revolved around his dick and his ego nearly got him killed."

Pam went on. "Instead of talking about your problems you two took the easy way out and just ignored it until it erupted into a big mess. That's what you need to do with Archer once he wakes up. Just talk to him and tell him how you feel and what you want in a relationship."

"If he wakes up," Lana sighed.

"This is Archer," Pam said. "Man would be dead already if he was anyone else. He's too vain and stubborn to give up. Irony is, so are you. That's why you two are both attracted and repelled by each other. You're both a lot alike in some ways. Even if you don't want to admit it. You're both tens who think the other one is a four. Not because of your looks, but because of the emotional baggage you both carry."

"And because of our so-called baggage you think we're also both fours as well as tens?" Lana asked.

"I call 'em as I see 'em," Pam shrugged.

Lana asked. "How did you get so good at analyzing people and their relationships?"

Pam gave Lana a look. "Lana, you don't spend over a decade as an HR manager in an office full of neurotic alcoholic narcissistic gun toting megalomaniacs without learning **something** about what makes people tick. Especially if you want to make it out alive."

"Good point," Lana sighed. "So why did you have sex with Cyril?"

"Because I wanted to, duh!" Pam gave her a look. "Sometimes it has nothing to do with relationships. Sometimes you just want to get laid."

"Yeah that's pretty much why I started dating Cyril in the first place," Lana admitted. "God that turned out to be a huge mistake!"

"To be fair we all saw his mental breakdown coming a mile away," Pam said. "We just didn't know how bad it would get."

"None of us knew how bad this entire crazy ass situation could get," Lana admitted.

"He's one of my best friends you know?" Pam admitted. "God Archer and I have had some damn crazy good times. And I don't just mean the times we did it. I mean just hanging out and partying our asses off."

After a pause, Pam added. "It's not just you and Ms. Archer that's affected by this you know? Krieger misses Archer. They always had a buddy thing. Even Ray misses Archer. I guess because they unintentionally bonded and all that crap. Cheryl…I guess she's kind of still hung up on Archer even though she hates admitting it. And Cyril…"

Lana gave Pam a look. "Okay maybe **not** Cyril as much," Pam admitted rolling her eyes. "But you see my point, right?"

"Yeah, I do," Lana sighed. "Sorry if I…"

"Eh, forget it," Pam waved. "I mean you have his kid **and** his mom to deal with. You got it toughest out of all of us."

"I just feel like there's this huge weight and I'm stuck in some kind of weird limbo," Lana let out a breath. "Even Mallory is affected by this."

"I've noticed," Pam said. "Lately she's a lot less evil to all of us."

"She and I are really getting closer if you can believe it," Lana admitted. "Did you know she had a very similar relationship to Len Trexler back in the day? She compared it to me and Archer!"

"Well I knew they banged each other on and off for years," Pam said. "I just never actually thought she'd go through with marrying anybody. Until Ron came along."

"Don't forget she was also banging Jakov at the same time," Lana added. "And a whole lot of other men."

"Now there's a classic ten ego if there ever was one," Pam admitted.

"More like a Spinal Tap," Lana told her.

"Spinal Tap?"

"It goes to eleven," Lana explained.

"Ah."

"Apparently Len Trexler acted a lot like Archer back in the day," Lana said. "Screwing everything with a skirt in sight."

"You think he might actually be Archer's real father?" Pam suggested. "Because let's be honest, Archer doesn't look anything like that Russian dude."

"Who knows? It's Mallory," Lana shrugged.

"Anything's possible with her," Pam admitted. "You know I saw some pictures of Trexler back in the day. When he had hair and a few less pounds. Gotta say he was pretty hot. So there's a shot he could be the baby daddy."

"Could be," Lana admitted. "She did admit to me there are a few more possibilities in the mix."

"Like who?"

"Some mobsters, a loan shark," Lana waved. "An Italian freedom fighter…"

"An **Italian freedom fighter**?" Pam asked. "Hang on? Remember the Italian Prime minister she killed and had us get rid of the body?"

"Yeah? So what?"

"So what if this Italian freedom fighter was the reason Mallory killed the Italian prime minister?" Pam suggested.

"Why would she kill the Italian prime minister over a freedom fighter?"

"Maybe she was banging the freedom fighter and the Italian prime minister killed him back in the day?" Pam suggested.

"And then what?" Lana snorted. "She then slept with the guy who killed her lover for thirty something years before…? Actually, that does make a lot of sense knowing Mallory."

Pam took a look at Lana. "What?" Lana asked.

"I'm trying to picture you and Archer thirty years from now," Pam said. "You know? You two have your own agencies but since you're more organized Archer's is in the toilet like ours is."

"I can barely think ahead thirty **days** from now," Lana groaned. "Much less thirty years."

Lana finished her soda. "I can't stand this! Archer is lying there and I still don't know for sure if we're a couple or not!"

"Uh he's also probably fighting for his life," Pam gave her a look.

"Oh right," Lana blinked. "That too. But you see what I mean?"

"Yeah, I get it," Pam nodded.

"I'm sorry to blow off steam like this," Lana said.

"We both needed to talk to somebody," Pam said. "And let's face it our options are kind of limited."

"Hey Lana!" Cheryl poked her head in. "Have you figured out if you and Archer are on break or not? Because I was wondering if it would be okay if I just went to the hospital to see if I could have sex with him?"

"Very limited," Lana groaned.


End file.
